Reflect | Project

It feels surreal, how quickly the days have dissipated.

2016 was another year filled with immense challenges, but also growth.

The massive amount of growth lead to more reading that I've done in quite some time. A few interesting reads I have stumbled across this past year and found quite inspiring in a variety of ways...each one entered into my life for a different reason yet had some core elements in common that pulled me into new opportunities to expand. I thought I'd share here, in case anyone is going through their own struggles and are interested in some inspiration. Often times we just need a hint of a new idea in order to open our hearts and minds that can transform our situations into opportunities rather than deep, dark holes that eat us alive. To the people/friends who either suggested a book on this list or inspired my research attempts that lead to a book on this list: Even if the reason behind it wasn't pretty, they were all mind blowing, so thank you. (including direct links through Amazon - be sure to check out the different format options if you are interested in purchasing)

• A Year to Live - Stephen Levin
• Move into Life: The Nine Essentials for Lifelong Vitality - Anat Baniel 
• Rewired - Erica Spiegelman 
• Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender - David Hawkins 
• Why You're Stuck - Derek Doepker

While I am thankful for the growth and inner digging life has pulled out of me, it has usually been due to pain. I've discovered new levels of pain I wish I didn't know existed, but also new depths of love. And in almost every situation I am faced with, creativity eventually emerged to make some sort of art from the pieces.

The creative part is bittersweet - while I haven't especially enjoyed the painful parts, it really is amazing what can come from them. I've worn my wire heart pendant a lot throughout the past year, as a reminder that we can always make something beautiful out of the pain, the mess, the brokenness, life's "butt kickings"...  A whole slew of new ideas are overflowing and itching to come to life. This road I've stumbled upon has not been easy, and I don't know where it is going. There have been many low moments, when it feels like giving up makes the most sense because this route just doesn't seem to work. Dreams have collapsed, been rebuilt, collapsed again, redesigned, only to continue to collapse. I've felt like I have followed a similar pattern. While it can feel discouraging, and like there isn't much - if anything - left, each pile of rubble seems to sprout new ideas, new inspiration, new perspectives. As long as I am alive, there is the chance that something new may grow.

I put a lot of effort into other peoples dreams and goals, into other peoples lives, for quite some time, though have struggled to put that much effort and love towards my dreams/myself. Calling myself out on this and taking responsibility to make adjustments has been quite the process.

             "If your compassion does not include yourself it is incomplete." - Jack Kornfield

The past couple years, I have loosely toyed with a new "tradition" for New Year's Day. I decided it was a good day to serve as a starting point for what I'd like to fill the year/life with - to rethink priorities, to really consider what I want to spend my time on. Perhaps this deserves a solid effort this year.

I will have a few "announcements" regarding some of the ideas I'll be launching. Some of them I have mixed feelings on at this point, but why not give it a shot - I can always change my mind later, right? Some of these are along the lines of my New Year's Day "tradition" and some of my past challenges - a continued attempt to prioritize what I feel is important and what I want to fill my life with. I have enjoyed the challenges I've done the past couple years, and have one or five I'd like to try for 2017 - and would love to have you along for the ride.

       "And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, 'This is important! And this   
         is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!'  
        And each day, it's up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, 'No. 
        This is what's important.'" -Iain Thomas



So, with the new lessons I've added to my collection, let's see where this goes, shall we?

Affiliate disclaimer: NFG (artist) is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. What this essentially means is that if you use the links to the books in this blog to purchase the books for yourself, I would earn a small commission. That being said, I would suggest these books regardless of how you choose to purchase (if you choose to purchase) and read/mentioned them well before signing up for the affiliate program. :)

Rambling reflection...

Today marks four years since I create my artist page on facebook. While I have had numerous frustrations with the site, and question if it worth the time and effort to maintain this page, it was a big step for me... I finally took the step towards prioritizing creativity in my life and pursuing it... It is interesting timing to get this reminder, filled with mixed emotions.

I am yet again struggling with how difficult it can be for "artist" be acceptable - in my mind and other people's minds - as something worth pursuing and investing my time/energy/money/life into... Finding time to create does not seem as straight forward and respected as having the standard work day schedule. And there are a million things that are made to feel more important - because art is more in the "fun" or "hobby" category. I keep finding myself in this place, and end up realizing I have to be the one to prioritize this for myself, yet I keep falling down as new tests pop up. Even though it is my life, and my choice, before I even realize it, I've lost my grip on it and handed it over to everything and everyone else. Balance can be such a tricky bugger.

Success from the outside seems to be measured more business-like, and can sometimes creep into my brain. Four years... and I'm still not "successful" in that way... part of me admittedly feels ashamed. I look back on what has been my life these past four years. Some of it was wonderful, other parts were miserable. I get mad at myself when I notice chunks of time that seemed to have been hijacked, where I feel I ended up losing important pieces of myself, and my life, and the things I love doing (like art) have been pushed out completely... until I was able to step back and see what was happening, then had to refigure out how to get myself back onto a healthy path. While some of this has made up some of the most difficult periods of my life so far, I did learn...a lot... and I always had creativity to help me through it, in one way or another.

While it is appealing to avoid the painful parts of life, we can't always do that. Art/music have always been an outlet I've been thankful for. The past few years have lead me to new mediums and pieces I never imagined. There have been songs, words, mixed media, wire, a new type of "painting", etc. Interesting that as much as I felt I've struggled to create, to find the time/space/will/acceptance, I've actually created a decent amount. Hear that self? It may not have made me money, or gotten me what my past ideas of "success" may be or what other people define as success, but I have done what I truly wanted to do... I used my passion, my talents, my heart, and have been meeting the "limitations" I find with creativity that expands me far beyond what I thought was possible... I end up growing not only as an artist, but as a person.

Now this part is important for me to remind myself of... I can't even tell you how often I've felt "stuck" over these years... and defeated... and hopeless. What I end up learning EVERY time that I make it past these feelings, is that there is always a way... you just have to get creative and be a little more open to options that may not fit what you had in mind. I may not have the financial resources, the physical capabilities, the space, etc required to be the type of person/artist I once envisioned, but I guarantee that the fact I am still alive means there are options to be some form of that... it is all about what is at the core - the hows don't really matter, the fluff doesn't matter, the labels don't matter.

Four years is still a lot to process... so I can't say these realizations have wiped out the "mixed emotions"...  Initially it felt like a "four year" box was drawn around my artist page, and I feel stresses of time/measurement...but I think I needed to remember some of this, and how some of these experiences/lessons just can not be measured/defined...I don't know how I could have made it through the struggles without creativity... and for that I am so very thankful.

Round 2, Day 1





I started my new challenge yesterday. Only a few minutes into the first painting, I was already having second thoughts and felt my inspiration deflate. Due to the more "relaxed" rules of this bout, I questioned if it was silly to label and announce it at all. There was a reason I decided to approach this one differently.



Day 26/30

It has only been a month since the end of the original 30 day challenge, and I have done a couple small paintings in between there - but they all took place on the same day. Basically, in one month, I ended up with one day of actually painting. I have done a few other small things in between - doodles and ideas. I've been holding myself back, however, since I have loose ends to finish up from last year's challenge and the original 30 day painting challenge. While I thought it was necessary to refrain from new creative projects until those were officially complete so I could remain focused and productive, the opposite has been happening.

 



The "wrap up" process has felt like slow motion, some of it relies on other people, the weather, technology - all of these outside sources that I can't always control. These pieces are also not "creative"...I crave creativity on a daily basis, and am essential starving myself of having that. Physically/mentally/emotionally, I can already feel the draining effects. I may begin a day full of motivation for progress, but if the outside factors don't "cooperate" with my plan, it is easy to become frustrated and feel stuck, which can domino and before you know it, it feels like a wasted day. 



Day 30/30

During my original 30 day painting project, one of the coolest things was that no matter what the day held, I was going to have a creation out of it - that feels like a day that was worthwhile, productive, important. And what I'm finding just one day into this project, is allowing myself to create again oddly enough helped me be more productive with the other items on my to-do list. Not only did I do my painting yesterday, but I also did a second one! In addition, I restarted my daily morning meditations, had a great workout, retouched a ton of photos, returned all sorts of messages, wrote a blog post, ate super healthy, etc.

I think it is common for us to put what we really want to do on hold due to all sorts of other obligations. But each day we withhold our true desire, we drain ourselves. This can eventually be felt mentally, emotionally, and physically. Our other "obligations" can even end up suffering - we may not be doing as good of a job as we really could, we start letting things slip, we start resenting these things... sometimes we just drop the ball on them completely.

 

Day 1, Round 2 ... 2 out of 30 paintings complete

I am realizing I still struggle to treat creativity as a priority, I am still treating it as a moveable piece that can be pushed around or out by anything and everything that pops up. While I believe it is good to have flexibility, as we never know what may be thrown our way, that isn't what is happening.

 

While I am not terribly pleased with my first two paintings, what I'm rambling about here was important for me to hear and it is obvious I still need reminders that it is ok to do what I love.

 

Now on to day 2...

Round 2 : 30 day challenge

Day 5

It was almost a month ago that I completed a 30 day painting challenge, using watercolor pencils - a medium I had not been familiar with. I am still working on wrapping up the video editing (it feels like that part is in slow motion) and then will be sending the paintings out as promised.

I did not want to start anything until every part of that challenge - and last year's monthly challenge - was wrapped up. However, I really miss creating daily and am feeling the effects... Plus, I just recently got accepted to display as part of Definitely DePere's ArtWalk! Since I will be sending all of the original 30 paintings away, I thought it could be fun to do another 30 day challenge to have some fresh work to show.

Day 24

This time, would still like to end up with 30 paintings in 30 days, but I am going to allow myself to do multiple a day if I feel inspired to do so. Also, the reveal of all final paintings will take place AT the event - not on a daily basis online like last time, though they will probably be posted at some point. I have not decided yet if I'll be doing videos this round. I do hope to post sneak peek images and updates on my facebook artist page. As of right now, I intend to do the same size (approximately 3"x4"), folded to allow them to be used as cards or to display in an easy, stand alone manner.

Since the completion of the original challenge, I have done a few watercolor paintings. One of my favorites was done immediately after another, using the paper I used to catch any run-off paint. It turned into a world of its own! During my first 30 day project, there were times I really enjoyed a certain technique, and would have loved to jump into a second painting right away to see where it would lead. These all took a few hours to complete, and there were days it was difficult to fit that in. I know I have some very long days scheduled over the next few months where it would be physically impossible to fit this kind of project in as a daily assignment. That is why I have decided to try a more flexible variation.

If you want to see the project in full and have first dibs on any of the paintings, the event will be Friday June 10, 5-8pm, in DePere, WI.

And here we go...Round 2.

Day 30 / 30 ... the end.

Day 30 / 30

Well, this is it. The final painting of the 30 day challenge.

There were days when 30 seemed overwhelming. Towards the end, the feeling flip-flopped from still feeling overwhelming, to feeling this panic of 30 not being nearly enough. There were techniques I would have loved to explore deeper, yet I felt this "pressure" to try new things.

I haven't had the chance to fully reflect yet... but it really has been an interesting project for me. It was fun to see what would pop out each day, as I never had a plan/vision. It was really nice to create, every single day. It was even really fun to see my mom get into it and follow along - even though I'm sure she thinks some of these are really weird. I joined a few groups on facebook for watercolor and abstract art, and suddenly my newsfeed got prettier - and while I felt out of place in those groups, people were accepting. This project helped motivate me to do my daily meditation (though I did miss a couple days), and was in a way, a type of meditation in itself - to just let whatever was inside come out in a unique way. As silly as it may sound, it was a great reminder to all sorts of life lessons - amazing how these can be reinforced quite naturally when dealing in a language you understand and enjoy.

I plan to scan all of them in, and possibly rephotograph all of them in natural light since that wasn't always possible. And I am looking forward to seeing them all together. After that, I will begin the next step - getting rid of them all, whether to those who requested them, or random unsuspecting people. ;)

During a Kyle Cease seminar a few years ago, he ended it with assigning us to choose something to do for 21 days in a row - since that is the amount of time it takes to establish a habit. It was a cool idea, and the range of topics was unreal. Nervous about committing to anything as I enjoyed each day being new and open, I think that help me embrace this type of commitment - it made me think about what I want to have in my life on a daily basis that I wasn't making a priority anymore... and it gave back some degree of power/control that I felt I no longer had over my own life - granted I did get horribly ill and missed a couple days due to the fact I couldn't move without getting sick, but I ended up extending that project and it was so helpful (that particular one, I chose to do my physical therapy/workouts daily - as I had done for such a long time, until I just sort of stopped and always struggled to get back into that routine).

During the final days of this recent project, I found myself thinking of how I could use this format to accomplish other ideas I've been sitting on for far too long or how to use it to reprioritize what is important to me. The results I've been having, the thoughts and feelings, the whole process has been really fulfilling. Last year, I created/gave away 12+ pieces of art and learned so much along the way. So far in 2016, I've now added 30 new paintings to my life and learned and relearned even more. I can't even explain how exciting that is, and for so many reasons!

While I would love to jump into another project right away, I have realized there are a lot of loose ends to tie up and I want to complete this project fully - sending out the paintings, editing/posting the rest of the video time lapses, etc. I also have a few loose ends from last year's giveaways to wrap up.

Thank you to those who followed along, commented, and/or wanted these little creations.

I highly suggest considering a 21-30 day project of your own if you share similar feelings like I had, that  the priorities in your life could use some adjusting. :) Otherwise, stay tuned, I'm sure I'll have plenty more of my own to work on in creative ways. ;)

4 AM Rambling

Day 21 / 30

There is no expectation of art to give me a masterpiece, to fix my problems, to make me feel good. When I just do it, just to do it, it is such a unique feeling. The results don't matter, it is the process. By engaging in creating, I allow myself to be me...better yet, I allow myself to just BE. It can provide an outlet for whatever is going on inside. Or it could just simply be the "breather" I so desperately needed but didn't know how to give myself. It can let things calm down, it is a chance to recenter. I can physically translate invisible, intangible, indescribable feelings.

All of this is so much more meaningful than having a "masterpiece" to show off. The benefits of creative outlets are unlimited and can't be put into words, there is no knowing where it could lead. There isn't an end goal as an artist for me - I strive to just keep creating, exploring, experimenting, learning, growing and welcome the never ending path that is filled with unknowns that can lead to more than I ever imagined. There's really only one way to find out what is even possible, and that is to start, to do.

I am in awe of some of the things this medium is showing me. When I let it do its thing, I feel like I am simply collaborating with the medium,  and the things that happen are crazy! While I may be far more excited than I should be, just the way the water moves is fascinating. The way the colors mix. How suddenly a piece can just start glowing. I don't fully understand how some of it happens. But it is pretty flippin' cool.

Now apply all of what I've just written to life... letting life do its thing and collaborating with it rather than forcing it to be what I think it should be. Amazing things can happen, unexpectedly and beyond understanding... - it is important to note this isn't always "good" but regardless, there is always some lesson, some opportunity to grow, something to gain... so even with the bad, all is not lost.

Plus, no matter the results, things are just more fun this way. ;)

Day 19 frustrations and lessons - no where to hide...

Today's painting was frustrating.

By Day 19 I should have an idea of what I'm doing and be able to consistently turn out great work, right? - a good reminder not to let expectations like that run the show. Today's experiment, however, just couldn't seem to find balance...

I woke up extra dizzy (I'm actually dizzy on a daily basis, constantly) and just "out of whack" in a few ways, but just fine in others...things throughout the day have slowly followed suit, however, "losing balance"...to the point where my painting set up flipped over, sending my water flying, along with my painting-which took about 5 minutes to locate and too much time to clean up the mess. I had to jump between video recording devices again for a variety of reasons, both devices fell too many times to count - this should be a fun one to edit. :P And throughout the painting, I just couldn't get the elements to balance for some reason - no matter how hard I tried. The paper started losing its strength and was getting ridiculously bent up. I had to stop simply because I was sure I'd end up with a piece of garbage pretty soon! Seriously, this was not a pretty process today. A reminder to learn how to just let go instead of forcing, perhaps?

While I'm not thrilled with it, it actually is a pretty fitting depiction of how I feel today, inside and out...unbalanced and messy.  I don't want to share it, and I don't want to feel this way either. But, here it is.

I have loved the fact that art has been a wonderful outlet to take the painful, unpleasant stuff of life, and turn it into beauty...but the result isn't always beautiful. Art is not straight forward, there is not a right or wrong answer, and often times you have more failures than successes... those are the parts people don't see - the loads of art that were started and never finished, the massive amounts that were thrown away or painted over. So what you usually end up seeing is the very small percentage of art that the artist actually felt worked... the stuff that did turn out beautiful, and inspiring, that people want to buy or wish they were capable of creating. (I'm typing as I'm thinking through this by the way) I love having art in my life, but it isn't always easy, or fun, or pretty. As mentioned, a lot of times it stems from the unpleasant.

My rule for myself in this project was to do ONE painting a day, and no matter how it turned out, I had to throw it out into the world. Of course I secretly hoped every single one would be amazing, but realistically, I knew there was a good chance that wouldn't be the case... in fact, considering how new this medium is to me and how uncomfortable I am, there was an even bigger chance of most paintings being "failures"... and for some reason I still thought this project was a good idea. ;)

In a sense, this set up forces me to show my flaws and failures. I really didn't think this through. ;) But I guess it is more honest.

Anyway...despite the failures and the ugly parts, there is always something to learn.

Half way

Fifteen days doesn't sound like very much. But I can almost guarantee that without this challenge, I would not have created any artwork during this time- that would have been over 2 weeks, half of a month, of not doing something I love, that I'm pursuing. Now, I have fifteen days where I have something to show for my existence. There were entire years that flew by without me feeling I had that much to show!

This bumpy road I'm on has felt like it was going to bring me right into the ditch a handful of times. I'm slowly starting to remember some important lessons about taking care of myself - as a whole, and to valuing my passions. I've been reminded about who I am as a person, and the strength I possess within myself. While I sometimes feel like I lack far more than I have to offer, there's still something there. Without taking good care of my mind, body and soul it is easy to feel completely depleted after so many bumps. I have a tendency to continue attempting to "give" to others even when feeling this way, neglecting myself, which only drags me into a deeper state of unhealthy. Giving myself this task of painting on a daily basis has been a constant, "simple" way to remind myself to do something for me...and this also gives back some degree of control in my life...it was my choice to do it, and it is my choice to continue. It awakens that awareness that we often times do get a choice in so much more than we may realize. Just feeling like you have even the smallest chance to choose how you spend just a tiny sliver of your day can be a really big deal!

There have been some difficult days the past few weeks. Having a chance to do what I love (even if it isn't in the way I ideally want to do it), has been such a positive thing. If a small painting is the best thing that happened that day, I'll take it - I created! Not to mention, the therapeutic effects of art are so valuable. This gives me an outlet for whatever is going on inside to do what it needs to do - whether I just need to "zone out" or I need to process something or I just need a physical way to release something.



Day 15

Some of the recent paintings, I brought in techniques I haven't used since college - sandpaper and exacto-knives. I used to use these tools on my charcoal drawings to create interesting texture. There was something therapeutic about the physical effort involved. Using these techniques in watercolor has been therapeutic in the same way. It has been interesting to see how the added texture reacts to this new, colorful medium.

I've been asked if I'm "happy" with the paintings... it isn't really about being happy, or about selling them, or anything like that... I knew I needed a kick in the pants to remember it is ok to put creating on my priorities list, and to take care of myself. So the fact that I am actually doing the task, that I am happy with. The paintings, well, I'm just trying to let them be whatever they happen to be...to not judge them- it would be easy to jump to negative judgments as I'm still quite uncomfortable with this medium and don't know what I'm doing! I want to make sure I remain open to this medium, rather than get in my head about how it should be done, how it should look, if the painting for the day is good enough to post - the task is one painting a day...not paint until I get one that I think is awesome (I'll never sleep!). I have had some I absolutely hated, which were painful to post, but that's a part of the deal. ;) And who knows, maybe someone will like it. That's the beauty about art.

I was hoping I'd have some really interesting things to say, but this is all I've got right now...

Momentum

Day 10

So...this is something kind of neat that I realized the other day...

I get these sort of waves of creativity, where there is a burst of ideas, and then no ideas. A lot of times when they hit, I am feeling open, creative, and like I'm being myself. I lack ideas when I feel stuck or like I can't be myself for whatever reason - health, stress, whatever roadblocks pop up.

This project is shaking loose some junk! Granted I am doing a few other things in conjunction with it that are helping as well.

Prior to beginning the challenge, I just simply realized I am feeling stuck again, and need to figure out how to get back on track with taking care of myself - mind, body, and soul. It has started with little things...with some bigger ones eventually being thrown in. Some of these include: reading some eye opening books , getting back into working out/physical therapy (which is a huge deal with all the health issues and colds/sicknesses I've been catching!), meditating, Kyle Cease has been having some super amazing inspiring posts/videos, etc. Heck one of the early steps (inspired by some of the reading I've been doing) was as simple as practicing some self awareness in terms of trying to pay attention to when/where I'm holding tension in my body (it is crazy how much this happens without even realizing it!). And then, of course, this 30 day project was added to the schedule, which has opened the floodgates to all sorts of realizations that I've been blogging away about. There are all kinds of options to use as a beginning step.

Now this is the fun part. Once you take that first step (for example, with being creative), in any way, shape or form - no matter how minor it may seem - often times, it grows and more of it starts to seep out, sometimes turning into a full fledged waterfall. One of the things that started happening a few years ago when I was in what I guess I'd consider a creative peak, was I developed almost a sort of ADD - I had so much inspiration and creative energy that I was constantly jumping from project to project, whenever something inspired me (even if it was in the middle of a project), and I loved that freedom to move! Life has felt more and more restrictive since then - which it had prior to that period of time too, so I know there is a way to change that... the trick is to actually start doing something...ANYTHING! And that's how momentum can be generated to move towards positive change.

So here are a few new creative related things that have popped out since starting the project:

• Videos - this was unexpected. I haven't figured out the best way to do them yet, so I apologize for the poor lighting/editing/view/etc. But I am glad to be doing it (per the suggestion of a friend). It is interesting to see these develop, especially since I have no concrete idea of what the painting will be when I begin. Also, I never thought I'd have the opportunity to learn anything about video. It has been frustrating and cool at the same time.
• Pendants - I've made some new ones...and am photographing old ones (which has been on my to-do list for far too long!).
• Bookmarks - suggested by a friend... still in the experimental phases but they've begun!
• One of my paintings inspired an idea that I think may develop into a tangent project...
• I had a shower epiphany just the other day - there is a cool project that I've been eyeing up for quite some time, but I've felt stuck with how to make it a reality... I don't feel I have the financial resources to participate and I am also conflicted as I'd like an eco-friendly way to partake. I have yet to actually try it, but I came up with an idea for half of it that would be both eco-friendly and financially friendly... the trade off is more work, time, and thinking power but you have no idea how exciting this is!
• Wrapping up a few personal projects - that again, have been on the to-do list for far too long.
• I signed up for flickr, also suggested by a friend, to post the paintings project. I joined a few art groups on facebook, too, eek. I struggle with wasting time on the computer, I'm already spending more time than I'd like to on this project. I don't feel good enough to be a part of these groups, these people are really flippin' good! This is just ridiculously uncomfortable for so many reasons... But hey, what's a little more discomfort thrown on top of a project based in a medium that has made me uncomfortable in so many ways already! Heck of a way to face a handful of fears all at once. Let. Go.
• I already mentioned the surge of blog posts that have been pouring out of me (Day 1 nervousness, rambling on and on about the good and the bad, reevaluating "failure", noticing some life lessons I've lost). They haven't been easy to share, as they are far more personal and revealing than I am comfortable with. I've been physically ill, unable to keep anything down, a handful of times this winter. So it is fitting to now be throwing up thoughts and feelings, I suppose. Though I'm not sure which is more unpleasant at this point. 

Art in bed

It doesn't take much to get the ball rolling. While I would love to just jump back into that past creative peak, sometimes it is necessary to start back at square one and let it naturally build. The nice thing is the past and all its lessons can serve as tools, making square one much more accessible (at least I know some of what is possible this time!), and the following steps can follow more smoothly.

It feels like this round of waves is a bit more turbulent, filled with distractions that make it difficult to ride the high points. This week I got to feel at least a hint of them, though! So to know they're there is a great feeling and provides inspiration to keep this momentum rollin'.

When the heck did that happen? Again...

Day 2

When I first thought about doing this 30 day painting challenge, one of the ideas behind it was to have it be sort of a quick exercise. Shortly into day 1, I was already feeling frustrated with how long it was taking. I told myself that I'm new to the medium, so things may speed up as I go along. They haven't all been crazy long, but they've all taken far longer than I intended (1-3 hours or so). In addition to the time to paint, there is also dry time (sometimes multiple times during the actual process), photographing the painting, videoing and editing that video, and the uploading time. And for some reason I've been feeling extra bloggy. I find myself thinking how this is quickly taking over waaaay too much of my life and I'm feeling all sorts of things - guilt, embarrassment, thinking about what a waste of a day this is, etc.. And what I just realized is a few years ago, when I started painting again (when the echoes were popping out left and right), there were ENTIRE days spent working on art...and I absolutely loved it. I didn't care if I was working longer than the average person's work day - there were days I literally rolled out of bed and immediately jumped into painting and worked until the sun was long gone. I had "wasted" entire nights, into the wee hours of the morning on photoshoots - my own photoshoots and ones in which I modeled. And I loved that too!

Day 5

Art is this weird thing, where it is actually pretty enjoyable for the person doing it - I mean there's no other way to make sense of how much an artist is willing to put into their work other than it being pure passion. I've struggled with how people view that, with how I view that...because that is very different than the standard idea of work. Many people dislike their job, they dislike work...So that has become something I associate with defining what is "real work" and how I've felt others feel as well. I'd feel guilty when people would comment about the fact I just get to play with pictures and stuff all day, or how I got to just play dress up yet it was also frustrating to feel my work minimized in that way because believe me, I'm often exhausted and even physically sore after a day of creating...but I don't mind because I love what I do. Does that make it not real? Does that disqualify it from the label of work? Does that make it a waste? Does that make me less than everyone? And then of course there is the other factor of how it is difficult to actually make a living off this stuff... Work is supposed to mean money.

It had taken me quite a while shed the feeling of guilt about actually enjoying how I spent my day/time, and to not devalue myself and my work because it didn't fit my/society's definition of work. But I got there. Even though I was poor, busy, constantly moving, and working crazy long hours without any designated weekends/vacation/time off, I think I was the happiest I had ever been. When you do what you love, none of that other stuff really matters. What is even more is that this (art/creating) was becoming a part of my life as a whole and I was feeling like I was becoming the person I wanted to be in a lot of ways.


Day 8

I wasn't aware of it, but somehow I lost that... Once again, I'm feeling guilty about doing art. What?! How did I revert to this mentality that I had let go long ago without even realizing it? Last year's giveaway was the beginning of trying to get some of that back - allowing myself to value art/creating and make it important in my life again, since I had almost stopped doing it completely. Looking back, I remember feeling similar things as I'm feeling now - that guilt. Guilt for feeling excited about something, for creating something, for doing something I enjoy and spending a lot of time on it, for not making money (and actually losing money!), for not living/doing what other people think I should be.

In one of my more recent blog posts, I mentioned the fact that I now have "x" amount of brand new, original paintings, and in a short of a period of time and how amazing that is. I haven't done that in years! Even though it isn't the ideal medium, or ideal set up, I really am thrilled by this. Heck, just last year, some of the health issues I had experienced made it difficult to get out of bed at all some days - if only I had thought to try something like this then!

Anyway...It feels like this is a step in the direction of that shift I had once experienced - of accepting myself as an "artist" and that creating is a fantastic way to spend my time...allowing myself to be free, to do what I love, to pursue my passion. At least I'm doing something.

Failure in a new light...

So... I'm just going to keep these ramblings flowing, since there is all this stuff that's been stirred up within me since starting this project and I'd like to see what happens with it.

I've realized watercolor is an excellent way to have to embrace "failure." It is one of the reasons why I probably hated it when I first tried it. I used to have a huge fear of failure, of not being good enough, and everything that goes along with it - that's not to say I'm completely fear-free, it is a work in progress, but I've definitely loosed up. ;)

When I first tried watercolor, it was at a time that I was into portraits, as realistic as I could get 'em. I preferred working in black and white (charcoal, pencil, that sort of thing) a lot due to the ability to focus on contrast. Making things "pop" was fun to me. I didn't feel any of that was possible with the lightness of watercolor. While being a lefty also can also "ruin" any attempt at perfection (hand smudges over every single piece of paper I've ever written/drawn on), I enjoyed trying to get things looking as exact as I could. Watercolor was introduced in school, and turned my idea (with far too many details to even have a shot at this working) into a puddly mess. Ugh. Right then and there I decided we weren't going to be friends.

Pre-college drawings

Through the years, I've seen some really incredible watercolor art. This isn't an easy medium. The process is not as forgiving as other types of painting (acrylic, you can paint over the entire canvas and start all over if you'd like!), and it kind of works in a backwards way- if you lay on the color too dark, good luck getting your light values back! Plus there is that whole unpredictable nature of water - running, bleeding, causing all sorts of havoc. That was just too crazy and frustrating to me back then. Yeah, I just didn't think we were meant to be.

Fast forward through the college years, when I was forced into abstract (with acrylic paint) and decided to find something enjoyable about it...I discovered: getting messy ;) I LOVED playing with drips, letting the water/paint do whatever it wanted after I released it from my brush. It was easy to find my work area, complete with a colorful puddle at my feet.

In some of the early art classes in college, we were given
artists to essentially copy, yet were supposed to find a way
to bring something slightly of our own into it...this was done
to look similar to this specific artist's work, who dealt with
fears - so I added my own. Notice fear of failure and fear of
mistakes.



The only time I was able to work with the subject of portraits was during an independent study with a professor who was much more open to hearing what I really wanted to work on. These are portraits done during that time. I started experimenting with texture in them to add a bit more interest.

There were a few times I could combine abstract with portraits... I started including some of the techniques I had discovered- texture, drips, etc.

Trying to embrace abstract and find out what I could enjoy about it...

I discovered I could add junk to create texture (sawdust was used
 for this one). And loving those drips. ;)

Now back to present day, and this project. I am not going into any of these paintings with an idea. I'm not trying to draw a person, or a landscape, or anything really. So it is 100% a blank slate, wide open to possibility. I'm finding that I am loving the very things I used to hate about the medium. I've embraced what I used to think was negative and wrong - there really is not right or wrong in art. With each piece, it is fascinating to see what the water does. Most times, it isn't what I think or want but I no longer get frustrated, I'm intrigued. I allow it to open my eyes to new directions. These "failures" now guide the paintings in a sense. If I can't get the line straight (which happens a lot), well, make it bigger and try again...or let go of the idea that it has to be straight, or a line at all - let it be a blob, or a drip that goes on its own. To top it off, these "failures" are probably what makes the paintings even remotely interesting, not to mention it is a great way to learn what the medium is capable of naturally - a great way to learn by just letting it do its thing!

Funny, over the years these concepts have actually been creeping into my life - embracing failure and seeing it as opportunity, allow what's natural, lose the expectations, let go, be curious, lighten up, be messy and imperfect, just see what happens, etc. And interesting progression... This happens in so many ways - from finally letting my hair do what it wants rather than try to control it in a variety of ways to just be straight and perfect, to creating a meal out of whatever is available (even with nearly bare cupboards), to being ok with my plans falling through, to being ok with people changing... While it is difficult to see some of this happen in any concrete way - until you are able to look back - I just love that art can show that elusive concept in creative, beautiful ways and can even be that seed of inspiration within you, that eventually finds its way into other areas of life.

Post college attempts at portraits...which got interrupted by life stuff and have remained incomplete.

A post college abstract, also interrupted by life stuff...

A change into smaller works to adapt to the "hurdles"...

Another small piece, combining the interest in texture,
drips, and some personal materials.

Watercolor and I hadn't talked since high school...
Until last year, when I accidentally made this and
realized it could be a fun medium when I lost my
expectations and allowed myself to simply play.

I now love opening myself up to any medium...there is something beautiful and to learn in each one. And I am discovering ones I never knew existed before, while revisiting old ones in new ways. Some of them have even overlapped, or helped lead me to another one. It feels limitless. I can't keep up with the inspiration that creates!

While some of this is repetitive, I feel like with this project, I'm being reminded of important pieces I may have let slip out of my life...and I'm gaining new pieces, making new connections. It is "clicking" in a new way, so to speak. Writing this has helped me realize just how far I've come in letting go of that life long fear of failure, and how I can actually play with it now. I think part of my fears with this project have to do with another aspect of that fear of failure - I've been able to embrace it in private, but to put it out there for other people to see...oh man! What if you can see I failed? What if you think these paintings suck? What if you see I'm not a watercolor artist? What if it even makes you question my artistic abilities overall! Well... I went into it admitting a lot of this, yet I still had these fears. So far no one has been mean (and I thank you for that ;) ). And after a week of it, I think I've slowly been able to allow myself to let go of that outer fear, and focus on my task: to allow myself to freely create. It has been a recentering experience I guess. I'd love for every painting to be amazing, but I'm not concerned about labeling them in that way. I want to just let them be what they are, just as I want to allow myself the same sort of freedom.

Anyway... there's my latest word dump!

If any of this sounds even remotely interesting like something you'd like to try (artist or not): There are cheap watercolor sets available all sorts of places, heck even at the dollar stores... I didn't start with anything fancy...even a kid's one will work! (I'm not suggesting you steal from children) Or heck, some people paint with leftover coffee. There is all sorts of potential to get creative with whatever you have. The point is to just play. ;)

One week in, ramblings...

A week's worth of meditating (brief attempts) and painting, and this is what's coming out.

An honest peek inside my head: I still don't feel like I know what I'm doing... I still wonder how stupid and pointless this may seem to others...or even to myself. I can't tell if any of these are "turning out" or not...some I really don't think are even remotely "good"... This is taking up far more time that I'd like, I'm not sure why I thought it wouldn't. I haven't felt necessarily "good" or proud of anything at this point. Just an honest peek at the inner gunk... I am allowing myself to feel these negative things, since they're there, and just want to be heard for a moment. What's more important is what happens when I actually get going on a painting- most of these things quiet down to an extent. Phew. ;)

Some positive and cool things ARE happening though...

I can already feel my brain getting more active... my ideas and creativity are starting to rev up again. I'm trying to pace myself, but at the same time, I think if I'm moved to do so, I can allow myself to explore some of these ideas outside of this project's guidelines. Just something I'll have to play by ear.

My curiosity about the medium is expanding -  I had written it off long ago and said I just CAN'T work with it. - In reality, I was fighting my personal "style" and trying to conform to how I thought the medium should be used and how the end result should look. I was holding myself to unfair standards and stifling my own unique interpretation of what watercolor art could be. I don't know that I've fully unleashed it yet, but it is kind of neat to see what comes out, and this is really the only way to find out.

I'm enjoying seeing COLOR. Wisconsin winter's can be quite gloomy. And for the past year or so, I have felt cooped up in a variety of ways - literally and figuratively.

I was asked if I think these abstract paintings have meaning. I usually am not interested in sharing that information (I like to leave it up to the viewer to see/feel whatever it stirs within them), or I don't think too much about it. I enjoy NOT putting too much thought into some of this stuff, allowing the feeling/intuition just spill out. But that question has me wondering and thinking about the possibilities after some of these are complete. And while I am creating, I am noticing some more concrete feelings/ideas develop as the piece develops, which then can lead it in a certain direction...but what is even cooler is if that idea/feeling changes, I am still allowing myself to change direction - something I didn't think you could do with watercolor! NOTE: for every single one of these, I have no PLAN. Even when I start making marks on the paper, I don't have an idea in mind. Tell me, what do you see/feel when you look at them? :)

There is just something amazing about being able to create something, essentially out of thin air... or limited materials. These paintings are created with simple materials, without much experience or space. It could be a whole other post about the effects CREATING can have on the mind and soul. It truly is a wonderful feeling that I wish everyone could experience in one way or another - you don't have to be an artist! ;)

And you know what? I've already created 7 brand new, unique, one of a kind pieces of art. That's amazing for so many reasons. After my college experience, I didn't feel passion for art anymore. It returned, but shortly after, I started dealing with some health issues, and was sure at that point that I had lost art forever. I was not physically capable of doing what I had been doing, of what I've been doing my whole life. It was devastating. Art felt like a part of me. And it felt like that was ripped away. I eventually learned to open up my mind, explore different mediums, different sizes (small work was discouraged in college, but now I've fallen in love with it), and I got creative with my abilities, my time, my space, everything... I had to learn to work with what I have in that moment. This has been challenged and morphed several times over the years...with more and more hurdles to adapt to. The most recent challenges have lead me here, to a medium I hated and had no interest in. Letting go of my history with it, my ideas/expectations of it and myself, I'm already feeling significant changes within me.

In my situation right now, I don't have much in terms of money, space, know-how, talent, physical ability, etc..But I have discovered that at my core, I love being creative, in all aspects of life. Therefore, these "limitations" become unique opportunities if I choose to see them that way. Granted, I don't always want to immediately view them that way and they can be incredibly frustrating, depressing, annoying...and I'm finally ok with allowing myself to feel these things...so long as I am able to see past that eventually, and realize that when I'm ready, they're simply brand new chances to expand.

These challenges I've been giving myself are not so much about the art, but about valuing my love of creating and making that a priority in my life.

I haven't been producing art/creative work at this pace in a long long time. That in itself feels pretty darn good.

I have yet to complete the final step to my assignment - send out the paintings. I'm admittedly nervous about that too - what if the person I send it to hates it? Or throws it away? What if I send it to someone I haven't talked to in a long time - I've developed some "social anxiety" like issues and have some fears opening up again. What if I can't think of someone? What do I write/say? Blah blah blah. It should be interesting to complete this step and see how it feels and if it changes throughout the project. :)

So... one week in and I'm still clueless. But I'm slowly accepting that and realizing that is completely ok...which leads me to feeling more and more free.

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 1...A new challenge.

Almost immediately, I started having second thoughts and regrets about this new challenge idea...

I didn't get much sleep, I woke up anxious, with all sorts of other silly issues... I've been trying out meditation (or what I think is meditation) each morning, for about 10-20 minutes to hopefully change the way I wake up to be more positive and gentle rather than stress-filled. Admittedly, I didn't even want to do that! But I did.

This challenge has been tugging at me since I've decided to do it, but once again, it feels like a million things are in the way and the excitement I felt about it initially has already drained a decent amount.

Well, there will never be a "perfect time" to start...

After the first two lines on the paper I could tell I was trying too hard and was stuck in my head. The thing that I loved about the couple of watercolor paintings I did last year was that I could just feel it out-not think through it. It was a freeing experience. Not even a minute into this challenge and I was already screwing it up. :P

It was interesting to just watch the levels of discomfort and discouragement appear. Boy we sure can beat ourselves up... I've been following the work of Kyle Cease, and this is something he talks about a lot. But if we can remain "in the room" often times we'll see a lot of this fear and negativity just disappear. And if not, it is an opportunity to examine it a bit closer - which leads you to a deeper understanding of yourself.

One of my issues was I had this mentality that I should complete the paintings quickly...well that's just ridiculous, I don't really work that way when it comes to art. It is based off of feeling. I can't rush it, and I can't just put forth partial effort. I started feeling the pressure of time - an hour is already gone! But eventually, I realized I'm going to be incredibly disappointed in myself and my work if I work this way. So ignoring the clock, I got myself back in the zone...

I was obviously fighting this whole "freeing" experience on a variety of levels, I'm not feeling free in any way in my life right now though. It took a bit of time, but eventually I remembered the fact that this experience is mine...and it CAN be freeing, even if other parts of my life aren't feeling that way. I just have to adjust a few things. I had a million fears and a million more reasons to doubt this idea and my ability and if this was stupid or not, if anyone will like it, if I will even like what I create, etc when I came up with the idea, so of course they're all going to appear again when I actually begin, and at full force! But at one point in time, I saw value/potential in this project. I have no way of predicting where it will go, and I have no expectations. In the very least, I get to experiment with art, and with a medium I am not familiar with or at all comfortable with - and I love learned new things and playing in this way! And one of the most basic ideas behind this is to just DO art. That is never a waste in my eyes!

Anyway...this is kind of rambly and I'm not sure the purpose... I guess I just wanted to make note of some of the feelings I experienced right off the bat. I think a lot of us feel nervous and scared when faced with something new/unknown. And I think that can be a big enough reason we sometimes run in the opposite direction. But it is important to remember we get to make that choice.

While I still feel all sorts of stuff I'd rather not feel, I am glad to have jumped in and I am working to open myself back up to this experiment, fully. Here we go....

Day 1:

 

 

 

These paintings will be available for 24 hours after posting them on a first come first serve basis for $5 through my facebook artist page  If they are still available after that time frame, I get to send to whoever I want (family, friend, stranger, etc!).

 

If you can not afford the fee but would like the opportunity to get one of these at some point, private message me on my artist page and I can collect a list so in case I need some ideas of who to send some too. :) (no guarantees and it will be randomly selected)

 

 

A new challenge...

I've spent the majority of the past

3-4 months sick, in bed...and I'm,

well, sick of it! Time to get creative!

I've had ideas for new projects/challenges for 2016, but so far they haven't been possible, or I keep getting sick, or something else happens. And then you know what happens? I'm bummed I'm not creating. A new idea popped into my head, and while there are still a few kinks to work out, it isn't as heavily reliant on technology, or other people, or having anything special for a working space...and I have most of the materials.

I was sorting through some of my belongings (I've been downsizing for quite a while now, and the process continues)... I stumbled across some watercolor pencils. Honestly, when I first tried them out, I really didn't like them-because if you recall, I hated watercolor and am no good with that medium. I then learned you can paint on faces with them! Up until now, that's what I've used them for most-whether for silliness or for self portraits.

My brain started connecting a few dots...

A week or two ago, I was randomly doodling. I've done a lot of this in my lifetime, it really isn't anything, I sort of let the hand make interesting shapes, then play around with values. Usually these doodles randomly pop up in assignment notebooks, calendars, notebooks, scrap paper, etc. and are nothing special. Well I thought these recent doodles were kind of neat, and reminded me a little bit of how that watercolor painting I did for a 2015 giveaway was done. These would be really neat to try in watercolor, I thought.

Random doodles

 

Right now, I don't have a good place to do regular watercolor (or much art actually!), but watercolor pencils can work in a variety of ways... perhaps I could do them even in bed! -I've been sick a lot this winter...

This is the plan I've come up with: instead of dealing with the shop or letting them pile up, I will post
these mini watercolor paintings to facebook, for $5 (via paypal) they can belong to whoever wants them - first come first serve basis. You guys get first dibs! After 24 hours if no one has claimed the painting, I will send it as a card to someone of my choice - whether a complete stranger, an old friend, a friend without facebook, my grandparents, a neighbor, etc. - I'll create these in a way where they can be used as cards, so whoever purchases has the choice of using as a card or print. 

My challenge is to do one every day for 30 days.



The watercolor painting from May 2015's Art Giveaway. The paintings for

this challenge will be smaller, so they fit in a standard envelop, but will also

be in a format that allows them to be used as a greeting card or a print. I also

plan to try watercolor pencils, rather than regular watercolor. Should be

interesting to see how different the results are!

I honestly don't know how they'll turn out since I am not a watercolor artist, and lack experience with watercolor pencils...admittedly I'm nervous! BUT these will be one of a kind! And I'm excited to experiment and see what I learn from this challenge.

So there it is...

To sum it up: I will do a mini watercolor painting, able to be used as a print or card, every day for 30 days. It will be posted to facebook, first person who wants it ($5 via paypal) gets it - and it will be sent out right away in a regular envelop, through regular mail. After 24 hours, if no one has purchased, I will get to use it to send a note to a loved one, a stranger, an old friend, etc. - basically after 24 hours, it will be gone one way or another.                                                            

NOTE: my challenge is to do a painting daily, but I may not post them daily as it is not always possible for me to have computer/internet access. They will all be posted though, as soon as possible, and the 24 hour countdown for availability begins upon the posting time.

To purchase, simply comment on the image that you want to do so. Then through PM we can coordinate paypal and mailing address.

If you want to get notified when I post (facebook) so you don't miss a painting, hover over the "Liked" button at the top of the page (by the cover image), and then you have two options... click "All On":

 

 

OR

 

Then select what you'd like to get notifications about:

(I would think selecting at least just "photos" will keep you covered for this challenge)

Now I don't want to be obnoxiously posting for the 24 hours a painting is available, so this really would be the best way to make sure you keep up with this project. Facebook limits the notifications to 5 per day, so if you do choose to receive notifications, you also won't have to worry about that getting obnoxious.

I don't think I am going to set limits on how many you can purchase. So if you buy one, and you end up seeing another you like, you won't be restricted. And you are welcome to give these to someone else-like I will be, send a note to a friend! Or just give the gift of art to someone who may enjoy it.

And since I plan to send these in a regular envelope, there shouldn't be any restrictions as far as location like there was with shipping giveaway items. This is open to all! Plus, I should be able to get these out MUCH faster than the art giveaways of 2015 (still trying to finish some of those babies up! I haven't forgotten about you!)

Alright. So. That's the new experiment! Let me know if you have any questions. Stay tuned for the beginning... ;)

PS- If you or someone you know would like one of these, but cannot afford it, please send me a PRIVATE MESSAGE through the NFG (artist) facebook page and I can use these names/addresses as an option for the paintings that do not get purchased when I get to choose who to send to - it would end up being totally random, and no guarantees this person will be selected, but thought it may be a fun idea in case I don't have someone in mind. :)