Failure in a new light...

So... I'm just going to keep these ramblings flowing, since there is all this stuff that's been stirred up within me since starting this project and I'd like to see what happens with it.

I've realized watercolor is an excellent way to have to embrace "failure." It is one of the reasons why I probably hated it when I first tried it. I used to have a huge fear of failure, of not being good enough, and everything that goes along with it - that's not to say I'm completely fear-free, it is a work in progress, but I've definitely loosed up. ;)

When I first tried watercolor, it was at a time that I was into portraits, as realistic as I could get 'em. I preferred working in black and white (charcoal, pencil, that sort of thing) a lot due to the ability to focus on contrast. Making things "pop" was fun to me. I didn't feel any of that was possible with the lightness of watercolor. While being a lefty also can also "ruin" any attempt at perfection (hand smudges over every single piece of paper I've ever written/drawn on), I enjoyed trying to get things looking as exact as I could. Watercolor was introduced in school, and turned my idea (with far too many details to even have a shot at this working) into a puddly mess. Ugh. Right then and there I decided we weren't going to be friends.

Pre-college drawings

Through the years, I've seen some really incredible watercolor art. This isn't an easy medium. The process is not as forgiving as other types of painting (acrylic, you can paint over the entire canvas and start all over if you'd like!), and it kind of works in a backwards way- if you lay on the color too dark, good luck getting your light values back! Plus there is that whole unpredictable nature of water - running, bleeding, causing all sorts of havoc. That was just too crazy and frustrating to me back then. Yeah, I just didn't think we were meant to be.

Fast forward through the college years, when I was forced into abstract (with acrylic paint) and decided to find something enjoyable about it...I discovered: getting messy ;) I LOVED playing with drips, letting the water/paint do whatever it wanted after I released it from my brush. It was easy to find my work area, complete with a colorful puddle at my feet.

In some of the early art classes in college, we were given
artists to essentially copy, yet were supposed to find a way
to bring something slightly of our own into it...this was done
to look similar to this specific artist's work, who dealt with
fears - so I added my own. Notice fear of failure and fear of
mistakes.



The only time I was able to work with the subject of portraits was during an independent study with a professor who was much more open to hearing what I really wanted to work on. These are portraits done during that time. I started experimenting with texture in them to add a bit more interest.

There were a few times I could combine abstract with portraits... I started including some of the techniques I had discovered- texture, drips, etc.

Trying to embrace abstract and find out what I could enjoy about it...

I discovered I could add junk to create texture (sawdust was used
 for this one). And loving those drips. ;)

Now back to present day, and this project. I am not going into any of these paintings with an idea. I'm not trying to draw a person, or a landscape, or anything really. So it is 100% a blank slate, wide open to possibility. I'm finding that I am loving the very things I used to hate about the medium. I've embraced what I used to think was negative and wrong - there really is not right or wrong in art. With each piece, it is fascinating to see what the water does. Most times, it isn't what I think or want but I no longer get frustrated, I'm intrigued. I allow it to open my eyes to new directions. These "failures" now guide the paintings in a sense. If I can't get the line straight (which happens a lot), well, make it bigger and try again...or let go of the idea that it has to be straight, or a line at all - let it be a blob, or a drip that goes on its own. To top it off, these "failures" are probably what makes the paintings even remotely interesting, not to mention it is a great way to learn what the medium is capable of naturally - a great way to learn by just letting it do its thing!

Funny, over the years these concepts have actually been creeping into my life - embracing failure and seeing it as opportunity, allow what's natural, lose the expectations, let go, be curious, lighten up, be messy and imperfect, just see what happens, etc. And interesting progression... This happens in so many ways - from finally letting my hair do what it wants rather than try to control it in a variety of ways to just be straight and perfect, to creating a meal out of whatever is available (even with nearly bare cupboards), to being ok with my plans falling through, to being ok with people changing... While it is difficult to see some of this happen in any concrete way - until you are able to look back - I just love that art can show that elusive concept in creative, beautiful ways and can even be that seed of inspiration within you, that eventually finds its way into other areas of life.

Post college attempts at portraits...which got interrupted by life stuff and have remained incomplete.

A post college abstract, also interrupted by life stuff...

A change into smaller works to adapt to the "hurdles"...

Another small piece, combining the interest in texture,
drips, and some personal materials.

Watercolor and I hadn't talked since high school...
Until last year, when I accidentally made this and
realized it could be a fun medium when I lost my
expectations and allowed myself to simply play.

I now love opening myself up to any medium...there is something beautiful and to learn in each one. And I am discovering ones I never knew existed before, while revisiting old ones in new ways. Some of them have even overlapped, or helped lead me to another one. It feels limitless. I can't keep up with the inspiration that creates!

While some of this is repetitive, I feel like with this project, I'm being reminded of important pieces I may have let slip out of my life...and I'm gaining new pieces, making new connections. It is "clicking" in a new way, so to speak. Writing this has helped me realize just how far I've come in letting go of that life long fear of failure, and how I can actually play with it now. I think part of my fears with this project have to do with another aspect of that fear of failure - I've been able to embrace it in private, but to put it out there for other people to see...oh man! What if you can see I failed? What if you think these paintings suck? What if you see I'm not a watercolor artist? What if it even makes you question my artistic abilities overall! Well... I went into it admitting a lot of this, yet I still had these fears. So far no one has been mean (and I thank you for that ;) ). And after a week of it, I think I've slowly been able to allow myself to let go of that outer fear, and focus on my task: to allow myself to freely create. It has been a recentering experience I guess. I'd love for every painting to be amazing, but I'm not concerned about labeling them in that way. I want to just let them be what they are, just as I want to allow myself the same sort of freedom.

Anyway... there's my latest word dump!

If any of this sounds even remotely interesting like something you'd like to try (artist or not): There are cheap watercolor sets available all sorts of places, heck even at the dollar stores... I didn't start with anything fancy...even a kid's one will work! (I'm not suggesting you steal from children) Or heck, some people paint with leftover coffee. There is all sorts of potential to get creative with whatever you have. The point is to just play. ;)