Today marks four years since I create my artist page on facebook. While I have had numerous frustrations with the site, and question if it worth the time and effort to maintain this page, it was a big step for me... I finally took the step towards prioritizing creativity in my life and pursuing it... It is interesting timing to get this reminder, filled with mixed emotions.
I am yet again struggling with how difficult it can be for "artist" be acceptable - in my mind and other people's minds - as something worth pursuing and investing my time/energy/money/life into... Finding time to create does not seem as straight forward and respected as having the standard work day schedule. And there are a million things that are made to feel more important - because art is more in the "fun" or "hobby" category. I keep finding myself in this place, and end up realizing I have to be the one to prioritize this for myself, yet I keep falling down as new tests pop up. Even though it is my life, and my choice, before I even realize it, I've lost my grip on it and handed it over to everything and everyone else. Balance can be such a tricky bugger.
Success from the outside seems to be measured more business-like, and can sometimes creep into my brain. Four years... and I'm still not "successful" in that way... part of me admittedly feels ashamed. I look back on what has been my life these past four years. Some of it was wonderful, other parts were miserable. I get mad at myself when I notice chunks of time that seemed to have been hijacked, where I feel I ended up losing important pieces of myself, and my life, and the things I love doing (like art) have been pushed out completely... until I was able to step back and see what was happening, then had to refigure out how to get myself back onto a healthy path. While some of this has made up some of the most difficult periods of my life so far, I did learn...a lot... and I always had creativity to help me through it, in one way or another.
While it is appealing to avoid the painful parts of life, we can't always do that. Art/music have always been an outlet I've been thankful for. The past few years have lead me to new mediums and pieces I never imagined. There have been songs, words, mixed media, wire, a new type of "painting", etc. Interesting that as much as I felt I've struggled to create, to find the time/space/will/acceptance, I've actually created a decent amount. Hear that self? It may not have made me money, or gotten me what my past ideas of "success" may be or what other people define as success, but I have done what I truly wanted to do... I used my passion, my talents, my heart, and have been meeting the "limitations" I find with creativity that expands me far beyond what I thought was possible... I end up growing not only as an artist, but as a person.
Now this part is important for me to remind myself of... I can't even tell you how often I've felt "stuck" over these years... and defeated... and hopeless. What I end up learning EVERY time that I make it past these feelings, is that there is always a way... you just have to get creative and be a little more open to options that may not fit what you had in mind. I may not have the financial resources, the physical capabilities, the space, etc required to be the type of person/artist I once envisioned, but I guarantee that the fact I am still alive means there are options to be some form of that... it is all about what is at the core - the hows don't really matter, the fluff doesn't matter, the labels don't matter.
Four years is still a lot to process... so I can't say these realizations have wiped out the "mixed emotions"... Initially it felt like a "four year" box was drawn around my artist page, and I feel stresses of time/measurement...but I think I needed to remember some of this, and how some of these experiences/lessons just can not be measured/defined...I don't know how I could have made it through the struggles without creativity... and for that I am so very thankful.
