When the heck did that happen? Again...

Day 2

When I first thought about doing this 30 day painting challenge, one of the ideas behind it was to have it be sort of a quick exercise. Shortly into day 1, I was already feeling frustrated with how long it was taking. I told myself that I'm new to the medium, so things may speed up as I go along. They haven't all been crazy long, but they've all taken far longer than I intended (1-3 hours or so). In addition to the time to paint, there is also dry time (sometimes multiple times during the actual process), photographing the painting, videoing and editing that video, and the uploading time. And for some reason I've been feeling extra bloggy. I find myself thinking how this is quickly taking over waaaay too much of my life and I'm feeling all sorts of things - guilt, embarrassment, thinking about what a waste of a day this is, etc.. And what I just realized is a few years ago, when I started painting again (when the echoes were popping out left and right), there were ENTIRE days spent working on art...and I absolutely loved it. I didn't care if I was working longer than the average person's work day - there were days I literally rolled out of bed and immediately jumped into painting and worked until the sun was long gone. I had "wasted" entire nights, into the wee hours of the morning on photoshoots - my own photoshoots and ones in which I modeled. And I loved that too!

Day 5

Art is this weird thing, where it is actually pretty enjoyable for the person doing it - I mean there's no other way to make sense of how much an artist is willing to put into their work other than it being pure passion. I've struggled with how people view that, with how I view that...because that is very different than the standard idea of work. Many people dislike their job, they dislike work...So that has become something I associate with defining what is "real work" and how I've felt others feel as well. I'd feel guilty when people would comment about the fact I just get to play with pictures and stuff all day, or how I got to just play dress up yet it was also frustrating to feel my work minimized in that way because believe me, I'm often exhausted and even physically sore after a day of creating...but I don't mind because I love what I do. Does that make it not real? Does that disqualify it from the label of work? Does that make it a waste? Does that make me less than everyone? And then of course there is the other factor of how it is difficult to actually make a living off this stuff... Work is supposed to mean money.

It had taken me quite a while shed the feeling of guilt about actually enjoying how I spent my day/time, and to not devalue myself and my work because it didn't fit my/society's definition of work. But I got there. Even though I was poor, busy, constantly moving, and working crazy long hours without any designated weekends/vacation/time off, I think I was the happiest I had ever been. When you do what you love, none of that other stuff really matters. What is even more is that this (art/creating) was becoming a part of my life as a whole and I was feeling like I was becoming the person I wanted to be in a lot of ways.


Day 8

I wasn't aware of it, but somehow I lost that... Once again, I'm feeling guilty about doing art. What?! How did I revert to this mentality that I had let go long ago without even realizing it? Last year's giveaway was the beginning of trying to get some of that back - allowing myself to value art/creating and make it important in my life again, since I had almost stopped doing it completely. Looking back, I remember feeling similar things as I'm feeling now - that guilt. Guilt for feeling excited about something, for creating something, for doing something I enjoy and spending a lot of time on it, for not making money (and actually losing money!), for not living/doing what other people think I should be.

In one of my more recent blog posts, I mentioned the fact that I now have "x" amount of brand new, original paintings, and in a short of a period of time and how amazing that is. I haven't done that in years! Even though it isn't the ideal medium, or ideal set up, I really am thrilled by this. Heck, just last year, some of the health issues I had experienced made it difficult to get out of bed at all some days - if only I had thought to try something like this then!

Anyway...It feels like this is a step in the direction of that shift I had once experienced - of accepting myself as an "artist" and that creating is a fantastic way to spend my time...allowing myself to be free, to do what I love, to pursue my passion. At least I'm doing something.