One week in, ramblings...

A week's worth of meditating (brief attempts) and painting, and this is what's coming out.

An honest peek inside my head: I still don't feel like I know what I'm doing... I still wonder how stupid and pointless this may seem to others...or even to myself. I can't tell if any of these are "turning out" or not...some I really don't think are even remotely "good"... This is taking up far more time that I'd like, I'm not sure why I thought it wouldn't. I haven't felt necessarily "good" or proud of anything at this point. Just an honest peek at the inner gunk... I am allowing myself to feel these negative things, since they're there, and just want to be heard for a moment. What's more important is what happens when I actually get going on a painting- most of these things quiet down to an extent. Phew. ;)

Some positive and cool things ARE happening though...

I can already feel my brain getting more active... my ideas and creativity are starting to rev up again. I'm trying to pace myself, but at the same time, I think if I'm moved to do so, I can allow myself to explore some of these ideas outside of this project's guidelines. Just something I'll have to play by ear.

My curiosity about the medium is expanding -  I had written it off long ago and said I just CAN'T work with it. - In reality, I was fighting my personal "style" and trying to conform to how I thought the medium should be used and how the end result should look. I was holding myself to unfair standards and stifling my own unique interpretation of what watercolor art could be. I don't know that I've fully unleashed it yet, but it is kind of neat to see what comes out, and this is really the only way to find out.

I'm enjoying seeing COLOR. Wisconsin winter's can be quite gloomy. And for the past year or so, I have felt cooped up in a variety of ways - literally and figuratively.

I was asked if I think these abstract paintings have meaning. I usually am not interested in sharing that information (I like to leave it up to the viewer to see/feel whatever it stirs within them), or I don't think too much about it. I enjoy NOT putting too much thought into some of this stuff, allowing the feeling/intuition just spill out. But that question has me wondering and thinking about the possibilities after some of these are complete. And while I am creating, I am noticing some more concrete feelings/ideas develop as the piece develops, which then can lead it in a certain direction...but what is even cooler is if that idea/feeling changes, I am still allowing myself to change direction - something I didn't think you could do with watercolor! NOTE: for every single one of these, I have no PLAN. Even when I start making marks on the paper, I don't have an idea in mind. Tell me, what do you see/feel when you look at them? :)

There is just something amazing about being able to create something, essentially out of thin air... or limited materials. These paintings are created with simple materials, without much experience or space. It could be a whole other post about the effects CREATING can have on the mind and soul. It truly is a wonderful feeling that I wish everyone could experience in one way or another - you don't have to be an artist! ;)

And you know what? I've already created 7 brand new, unique, one of a kind pieces of art. That's amazing for so many reasons. After my college experience, I didn't feel passion for art anymore. It returned, but shortly after, I started dealing with some health issues, and was sure at that point that I had lost art forever. I was not physically capable of doing what I had been doing, of what I've been doing my whole life. It was devastating. Art felt like a part of me. And it felt like that was ripped away. I eventually learned to open up my mind, explore different mediums, different sizes (small work was discouraged in college, but now I've fallen in love with it), and I got creative with my abilities, my time, my space, everything... I had to learn to work with what I have in that moment. This has been challenged and morphed several times over the years...with more and more hurdles to adapt to. The most recent challenges have lead me here, to a medium I hated and had no interest in. Letting go of my history with it, my ideas/expectations of it and myself, I'm already feeling significant changes within me.

In my situation right now, I don't have much in terms of money, space, know-how, talent, physical ability, etc..But I have discovered that at my core, I love being creative, in all aspects of life. Therefore, these "limitations" become unique opportunities if I choose to see them that way. Granted, I don't always want to immediately view them that way and they can be incredibly frustrating, depressing, annoying...and I'm finally ok with allowing myself to feel these things...so long as I am able to see past that eventually, and realize that when I'm ready, they're simply brand new chances to expand.

These challenges I've been giving myself are not so much about the art, but about valuing my love of creating and making that a priority in my life.

I haven't been producing art/creative work at this pace in a long long time. That in itself feels pretty darn good.

I have yet to complete the final step to my assignment - send out the paintings. I'm admittedly nervous about that too - what if the person I send it to hates it? Or throws it away? What if I send it to someone I haven't talked to in a long time - I've developed some "social anxiety" like issues and have some fears opening up again. What if I can't think of someone? What do I write/say? Blah blah blah. It should be interesting to complete this step and see how it feels and if it changes throughout the project. :)

So... one week in and I'm still clueless. But I'm slowly accepting that and realizing that is completely ok...which leads me to feeling more and more free.

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7