Day 30 / 30 ... the end.

Day 30 / 30

Well, this is it. The final painting of the 30 day challenge.

There were days when 30 seemed overwhelming. Towards the end, the feeling flip-flopped from still feeling overwhelming, to feeling this panic of 30 not being nearly enough. There were techniques I would have loved to explore deeper, yet I felt this "pressure" to try new things.

I haven't had the chance to fully reflect yet... but it really has been an interesting project for me. It was fun to see what would pop out each day, as I never had a plan/vision. It was really nice to create, every single day. It was even really fun to see my mom get into it and follow along - even though I'm sure she thinks some of these are really weird. I joined a few groups on facebook for watercolor and abstract art, and suddenly my newsfeed got prettier - and while I felt out of place in those groups, people were accepting. This project helped motivate me to do my daily meditation (though I did miss a couple days), and was in a way, a type of meditation in itself - to just let whatever was inside come out in a unique way. As silly as it may sound, it was a great reminder to all sorts of life lessons - amazing how these can be reinforced quite naturally when dealing in a language you understand and enjoy.

I plan to scan all of them in, and possibly rephotograph all of them in natural light since that wasn't always possible. And I am looking forward to seeing them all together. After that, I will begin the next step - getting rid of them all, whether to those who requested them, or random unsuspecting people. ;)

During a Kyle Cease seminar a few years ago, he ended it with assigning us to choose something to do for 21 days in a row - since that is the amount of time it takes to establish a habit. It was a cool idea, and the range of topics was unreal. Nervous about committing to anything as I enjoyed each day being new and open, I think that help me embrace this type of commitment - it made me think about what I want to have in my life on a daily basis that I wasn't making a priority anymore... and it gave back some degree of power/control that I felt I no longer had over my own life - granted I did get horribly ill and missed a couple days due to the fact I couldn't move without getting sick, but I ended up extending that project and it was so helpful (that particular one, I chose to do my physical therapy/workouts daily - as I had done for such a long time, until I just sort of stopped and always struggled to get back into that routine).

During the final days of this recent project, I found myself thinking of how I could use this format to accomplish other ideas I've been sitting on for far too long or how to use it to reprioritize what is important to me. The results I've been having, the thoughts and feelings, the whole process has been really fulfilling. Last year, I created/gave away 12+ pieces of art and learned so much along the way. So far in 2016, I've now added 30 new paintings to my life and learned and relearned even more. I can't even explain how exciting that is, and for so many reasons!

While I would love to jump into another project right away, I have realized there are a lot of loose ends to tie up and I want to complete this project fully - sending out the paintings, editing/posting the rest of the video time lapses, etc. I also have a few loose ends from last year's giveaways to wrap up.

Thank you to those who followed along, commented, and/or wanted these little creations.

I highly suggest considering a 21-30 day project of your own if you share similar feelings like I had, that  the priorities in your life could use some adjusting. :) Otherwise, stay tuned, I'm sure I'll have plenty more of my own to work on in creative ways. ;)

4 AM Rambling

Day 21 / 30

There is no expectation of art to give me a masterpiece, to fix my problems, to make me feel good. When I just do it, just to do it, it is such a unique feeling. The results don't matter, it is the process. By engaging in creating, I allow myself to be me...better yet, I allow myself to just BE. It can provide an outlet for whatever is going on inside. Or it could just simply be the "breather" I so desperately needed but didn't know how to give myself. It can let things calm down, it is a chance to recenter. I can physically translate invisible, intangible, indescribable feelings.

All of this is so much more meaningful than having a "masterpiece" to show off. The benefits of creative outlets are unlimited and can't be put into words, there is no knowing where it could lead. There isn't an end goal as an artist for me - I strive to just keep creating, exploring, experimenting, learning, growing and welcome the never ending path that is filled with unknowns that can lead to more than I ever imagined. There's really only one way to find out what is even possible, and that is to start, to do.

I am in awe of some of the things this medium is showing me. When I let it do its thing, I feel like I am simply collaborating with the medium,  and the things that happen are crazy! While I may be far more excited than I should be, just the way the water moves is fascinating. The way the colors mix. How suddenly a piece can just start glowing. I don't fully understand how some of it happens. But it is pretty flippin' cool.

Now apply all of what I've just written to life... letting life do its thing and collaborating with it rather than forcing it to be what I think it should be. Amazing things can happen, unexpectedly and beyond understanding... - it is important to note this isn't always "good" but regardless, there is always some lesson, some opportunity to grow, something to gain... so even with the bad, all is not lost.

Plus, no matter the results, things are just more fun this way. ;)

Day 19 frustrations and lessons - no where to hide...

Today's painting was frustrating.

By Day 19 I should have an idea of what I'm doing and be able to consistently turn out great work, right? - a good reminder not to let expectations like that run the show. Today's experiment, however, just couldn't seem to find balance...

I woke up extra dizzy (I'm actually dizzy on a daily basis, constantly) and just "out of whack" in a few ways, but just fine in others...things throughout the day have slowly followed suit, however, "losing balance"...to the point where my painting set up flipped over, sending my water flying, along with my painting-which took about 5 minutes to locate and too much time to clean up the mess. I had to jump between video recording devices again for a variety of reasons, both devices fell too many times to count - this should be a fun one to edit. :P And throughout the painting, I just couldn't get the elements to balance for some reason - no matter how hard I tried. The paper started losing its strength and was getting ridiculously bent up. I had to stop simply because I was sure I'd end up with a piece of garbage pretty soon! Seriously, this was not a pretty process today. A reminder to learn how to just let go instead of forcing, perhaps?

While I'm not thrilled with it, it actually is a pretty fitting depiction of how I feel today, inside and out...unbalanced and messy.  I don't want to share it, and I don't want to feel this way either. But, here it is.

I have loved the fact that art has been a wonderful outlet to take the painful, unpleasant stuff of life, and turn it into beauty...but the result isn't always beautiful. Art is not straight forward, there is not a right or wrong answer, and often times you have more failures than successes... those are the parts people don't see - the loads of art that were started and never finished, the massive amounts that were thrown away or painted over. So what you usually end up seeing is the very small percentage of art that the artist actually felt worked... the stuff that did turn out beautiful, and inspiring, that people want to buy or wish they were capable of creating. (I'm typing as I'm thinking through this by the way) I love having art in my life, but it isn't always easy, or fun, or pretty. As mentioned, a lot of times it stems from the unpleasant.

My rule for myself in this project was to do ONE painting a day, and no matter how it turned out, I had to throw it out into the world. Of course I secretly hoped every single one would be amazing, but realistically, I knew there was a good chance that wouldn't be the case... in fact, considering how new this medium is to me and how uncomfortable I am, there was an even bigger chance of most paintings being "failures"... and for some reason I still thought this project was a good idea. ;)

In a sense, this set up forces me to show my flaws and failures. I really didn't think this through. ;) But I guess it is more honest.

Anyway...despite the failures and the ugly parts, there is always something to learn.

Half way

Fifteen days doesn't sound like very much. But I can almost guarantee that without this challenge, I would not have created any artwork during this time- that would have been over 2 weeks, half of a month, of not doing something I love, that I'm pursuing. Now, I have fifteen days where I have something to show for my existence. There were entire years that flew by without me feeling I had that much to show!

This bumpy road I'm on has felt like it was going to bring me right into the ditch a handful of times. I'm slowly starting to remember some important lessons about taking care of myself - as a whole, and to valuing my passions. I've been reminded about who I am as a person, and the strength I possess within myself. While I sometimes feel like I lack far more than I have to offer, there's still something there. Without taking good care of my mind, body and soul it is easy to feel completely depleted after so many bumps. I have a tendency to continue attempting to "give" to others even when feeling this way, neglecting myself, which only drags me into a deeper state of unhealthy. Giving myself this task of painting on a daily basis has been a constant, "simple" way to remind myself to do something for me...and this also gives back some degree of control in my life...it was my choice to do it, and it is my choice to continue. It awakens that awareness that we often times do get a choice in so much more than we may realize. Just feeling like you have even the smallest chance to choose how you spend just a tiny sliver of your day can be a really big deal!

There have been some difficult days the past few weeks. Having a chance to do what I love (even if it isn't in the way I ideally want to do it), has been such a positive thing. If a small painting is the best thing that happened that day, I'll take it - I created! Not to mention, the therapeutic effects of art are so valuable. This gives me an outlet for whatever is going on inside to do what it needs to do - whether I just need to "zone out" or I need to process something or I just need a physical way to release something.



Day 15

Some of the recent paintings, I brought in techniques I haven't used since college - sandpaper and exacto-knives. I used to use these tools on my charcoal drawings to create interesting texture. There was something therapeutic about the physical effort involved. Using these techniques in watercolor has been therapeutic in the same way. It has been interesting to see how the added texture reacts to this new, colorful medium.

I've been asked if I'm "happy" with the paintings... it isn't really about being happy, or about selling them, or anything like that... I knew I needed a kick in the pants to remember it is ok to put creating on my priorities list, and to take care of myself. So the fact that I am actually doing the task, that I am happy with. The paintings, well, I'm just trying to let them be whatever they happen to be...to not judge them- it would be easy to jump to negative judgments as I'm still quite uncomfortable with this medium and don't know what I'm doing! I want to make sure I remain open to this medium, rather than get in my head about how it should be done, how it should look, if the painting for the day is good enough to post - the task is one painting a day...not paint until I get one that I think is awesome (I'll never sleep!). I have had some I absolutely hated, which were painful to post, but that's a part of the deal. ;) And who knows, maybe someone will like it. That's the beauty about art.

I was hoping I'd have some really interesting things to say, but this is all I've got right now...

Momentum

Day 10

So...this is something kind of neat that I realized the other day...

I get these sort of waves of creativity, where there is a burst of ideas, and then no ideas. A lot of times when they hit, I am feeling open, creative, and like I'm being myself. I lack ideas when I feel stuck or like I can't be myself for whatever reason - health, stress, whatever roadblocks pop up.

This project is shaking loose some junk! Granted I am doing a few other things in conjunction with it that are helping as well.

Prior to beginning the challenge, I just simply realized I am feeling stuck again, and need to figure out how to get back on track with taking care of myself - mind, body, and soul. It has started with little things...with some bigger ones eventually being thrown in. Some of these include: reading some eye opening books , getting back into working out/physical therapy (which is a huge deal with all the health issues and colds/sicknesses I've been catching!), meditating, Kyle Cease has been having some super amazing inspiring posts/videos, etc. Heck one of the early steps (inspired by some of the reading I've been doing) was as simple as practicing some self awareness in terms of trying to pay attention to when/where I'm holding tension in my body (it is crazy how much this happens without even realizing it!). And then, of course, this 30 day project was added to the schedule, which has opened the floodgates to all sorts of realizations that I've been blogging away about. There are all kinds of options to use as a beginning step.

Now this is the fun part. Once you take that first step (for example, with being creative), in any way, shape or form - no matter how minor it may seem - often times, it grows and more of it starts to seep out, sometimes turning into a full fledged waterfall. One of the things that started happening a few years ago when I was in what I guess I'd consider a creative peak, was I developed almost a sort of ADD - I had so much inspiration and creative energy that I was constantly jumping from project to project, whenever something inspired me (even if it was in the middle of a project), and I loved that freedom to move! Life has felt more and more restrictive since then - which it had prior to that period of time too, so I know there is a way to change that... the trick is to actually start doing something...ANYTHING! And that's how momentum can be generated to move towards positive change.

So here are a few new creative related things that have popped out since starting the project:

• Videos - this was unexpected. I haven't figured out the best way to do them yet, so I apologize for the poor lighting/editing/view/etc. But I am glad to be doing it (per the suggestion of a friend). It is interesting to see these develop, especially since I have no concrete idea of what the painting will be when I begin. Also, I never thought I'd have the opportunity to learn anything about video. It has been frustrating and cool at the same time.
• Pendants - I've made some new ones...and am photographing old ones (which has been on my to-do list for far too long!).
• Bookmarks - suggested by a friend... still in the experimental phases but they've begun!
• One of my paintings inspired an idea that I think may develop into a tangent project...
• I had a shower epiphany just the other day - there is a cool project that I've been eyeing up for quite some time, but I've felt stuck with how to make it a reality... I don't feel I have the financial resources to participate and I am also conflicted as I'd like an eco-friendly way to partake. I have yet to actually try it, but I came up with an idea for half of it that would be both eco-friendly and financially friendly... the trade off is more work, time, and thinking power but you have no idea how exciting this is!
• Wrapping up a few personal projects - that again, have been on the to-do list for far too long.
• I signed up for flickr, also suggested by a friend, to post the paintings project. I joined a few art groups on facebook, too, eek. I struggle with wasting time on the computer, I'm already spending more time than I'd like to on this project. I don't feel good enough to be a part of these groups, these people are really flippin' good! This is just ridiculously uncomfortable for so many reasons... But hey, what's a little more discomfort thrown on top of a project based in a medium that has made me uncomfortable in so many ways already! Heck of a way to face a handful of fears all at once. Let. Go.
• I already mentioned the surge of blog posts that have been pouring out of me (Day 1 nervousness, rambling on and on about the good and the bad, reevaluating "failure", noticing some life lessons I've lost). They haven't been easy to share, as they are far more personal and revealing than I am comfortable with. I've been physically ill, unable to keep anything down, a handful of times this winter. So it is fitting to now be throwing up thoughts and feelings, I suppose. Though I'm not sure which is more unpleasant at this point. 

Art in bed

It doesn't take much to get the ball rolling. While I would love to just jump back into that past creative peak, sometimes it is necessary to start back at square one and let it naturally build. The nice thing is the past and all its lessons can serve as tools, making square one much more accessible (at least I know some of what is possible this time!), and the following steps can follow more smoothly.

It feels like this round of waves is a bit more turbulent, filled with distractions that make it difficult to ride the high points. This week I got to feel at least a hint of them, though! So to know they're there is a great feeling and provides inspiration to keep this momentum rollin'.

When the heck did that happen? Again...

Day 2

When I first thought about doing this 30 day painting challenge, one of the ideas behind it was to have it be sort of a quick exercise. Shortly into day 1, I was already feeling frustrated with how long it was taking. I told myself that I'm new to the medium, so things may speed up as I go along. They haven't all been crazy long, but they've all taken far longer than I intended (1-3 hours or so). In addition to the time to paint, there is also dry time (sometimes multiple times during the actual process), photographing the painting, videoing and editing that video, and the uploading time. And for some reason I've been feeling extra bloggy. I find myself thinking how this is quickly taking over waaaay too much of my life and I'm feeling all sorts of things - guilt, embarrassment, thinking about what a waste of a day this is, etc.. And what I just realized is a few years ago, when I started painting again (when the echoes were popping out left and right), there were ENTIRE days spent working on art...and I absolutely loved it. I didn't care if I was working longer than the average person's work day - there were days I literally rolled out of bed and immediately jumped into painting and worked until the sun was long gone. I had "wasted" entire nights, into the wee hours of the morning on photoshoots - my own photoshoots and ones in which I modeled. And I loved that too!

Day 5

Art is this weird thing, where it is actually pretty enjoyable for the person doing it - I mean there's no other way to make sense of how much an artist is willing to put into their work other than it being pure passion. I've struggled with how people view that, with how I view that...because that is very different than the standard idea of work. Many people dislike their job, they dislike work...So that has become something I associate with defining what is "real work" and how I've felt others feel as well. I'd feel guilty when people would comment about the fact I just get to play with pictures and stuff all day, or how I got to just play dress up yet it was also frustrating to feel my work minimized in that way because believe me, I'm often exhausted and even physically sore after a day of creating...but I don't mind because I love what I do. Does that make it not real? Does that disqualify it from the label of work? Does that make it a waste? Does that make me less than everyone? And then of course there is the other factor of how it is difficult to actually make a living off this stuff... Work is supposed to mean money.

It had taken me quite a while shed the feeling of guilt about actually enjoying how I spent my day/time, and to not devalue myself and my work because it didn't fit my/society's definition of work. But I got there. Even though I was poor, busy, constantly moving, and working crazy long hours without any designated weekends/vacation/time off, I think I was the happiest I had ever been. When you do what you love, none of that other stuff really matters. What is even more is that this (art/creating) was becoming a part of my life as a whole and I was feeling like I was becoming the person I wanted to be in a lot of ways.


Day 8

I wasn't aware of it, but somehow I lost that... Once again, I'm feeling guilty about doing art. What?! How did I revert to this mentality that I had let go long ago without even realizing it? Last year's giveaway was the beginning of trying to get some of that back - allowing myself to value art/creating and make it important in my life again, since I had almost stopped doing it completely. Looking back, I remember feeling similar things as I'm feeling now - that guilt. Guilt for feeling excited about something, for creating something, for doing something I enjoy and spending a lot of time on it, for not making money (and actually losing money!), for not living/doing what other people think I should be.

In one of my more recent blog posts, I mentioned the fact that I now have "x" amount of brand new, original paintings, and in a short of a period of time and how amazing that is. I haven't done that in years! Even though it isn't the ideal medium, or ideal set up, I really am thrilled by this. Heck, just last year, some of the health issues I had experienced made it difficult to get out of bed at all some days - if only I had thought to try something like this then!

Anyway...It feels like this is a step in the direction of that shift I had once experienced - of accepting myself as an "artist" and that creating is a fantastic way to spend my time...allowing myself to be free, to do what I love, to pursue my passion. At least I'm doing something.

Failure in a new light...

So... I'm just going to keep these ramblings flowing, since there is all this stuff that's been stirred up within me since starting this project and I'd like to see what happens with it.

I've realized watercolor is an excellent way to have to embrace "failure." It is one of the reasons why I probably hated it when I first tried it. I used to have a huge fear of failure, of not being good enough, and everything that goes along with it - that's not to say I'm completely fear-free, it is a work in progress, but I've definitely loosed up. ;)

When I first tried watercolor, it was at a time that I was into portraits, as realistic as I could get 'em. I preferred working in black and white (charcoal, pencil, that sort of thing) a lot due to the ability to focus on contrast. Making things "pop" was fun to me. I didn't feel any of that was possible with the lightness of watercolor. While being a lefty also can also "ruin" any attempt at perfection (hand smudges over every single piece of paper I've ever written/drawn on), I enjoyed trying to get things looking as exact as I could. Watercolor was introduced in school, and turned my idea (with far too many details to even have a shot at this working) into a puddly mess. Ugh. Right then and there I decided we weren't going to be friends.

Pre-college drawings

Through the years, I've seen some really incredible watercolor art. This isn't an easy medium. The process is not as forgiving as other types of painting (acrylic, you can paint over the entire canvas and start all over if you'd like!), and it kind of works in a backwards way- if you lay on the color too dark, good luck getting your light values back! Plus there is that whole unpredictable nature of water - running, bleeding, causing all sorts of havoc. That was just too crazy and frustrating to me back then. Yeah, I just didn't think we were meant to be.

Fast forward through the college years, when I was forced into abstract (with acrylic paint) and decided to find something enjoyable about it...I discovered: getting messy ;) I LOVED playing with drips, letting the water/paint do whatever it wanted after I released it from my brush. It was easy to find my work area, complete with a colorful puddle at my feet.

In some of the early art classes in college, we were given
artists to essentially copy, yet were supposed to find a way
to bring something slightly of our own into it...this was done
to look similar to this specific artist's work, who dealt with
fears - so I added my own. Notice fear of failure and fear of
mistakes.



The only time I was able to work with the subject of portraits was during an independent study with a professor who was much more open to hearing what I really wanted to work on. These are portraits done during that time. I started experimenting with texture in them to add a bit more interest.

There were a few times I could combine abstract with portraits... I started including some of the techniques I had discovered- texture, drips, etc.

Trying to embrace abstract and find out what I could enjoy about it...

I discovered I could add junk to create texture (sawdust was used
 for this one). And loving those drips. ;)

Now back to present day, and this project. I am not going into any of these paintings with an idea. I'm not trying to draw a person, or a landscape, or anything really. So it is 100% a blank slate, wide open to possibility. I'm finding that I am loving the very things I used to hate about the medium. I've embraced what I used to think was negative and wrong - there really is not right or wrong in art. With each piece, it is fascinating to see what the water does. Most times, it isn't what I think or want but I no longer get frustrated, I'm intrigued. I allow it to open my eyes to new directions. These "failures" now guide the paintings in a sense. If I can't get the line straight (which happens a lot), well, make it bigger and try again...or let go of the idea that it has to be straight, or a line at all - let it be a blob, or a drip that goes on its own. To top it off, these "failures" are probably what makes the paintings even remotely interesting, not to mention it is a great way to learn what the medium is capable of naturally - a great way to learn by just letting it do its thing!

Funny, over the years these concepts have actually been creeping into my life - embracing failure and seeing it as opportunity, allow what's natural, lose the expectations, let go, be curious, lighten up, be messy and imperfect, just see what happens, etc. And interesting progression... This happens in so many ways - from finally letting my hair do what it wants rather than try to control it in a variety of ways to just be straight and perfect, to creating a meal out of whatever is available (even with nearly bare cupboards), to being ok with my plans falling through, to being ok with people changing... While it is difficult to see some of this happen in any concrete way - until you are able to look back - I just love that art can show that elusive concept in creative, beautiful ways and can even be that seed of inspiration within you, that eventually finds its way into other areas of life.

Post college attempts at portraits...which got interrupted by life stuff and have remained incomplete.

A post college abstract, also interrupted by life stuff...

A change into smaller works to adapt to the "hurdles"...

Another small piece, combining the interest in texture,
drips, and some personal materials.

Watercolor and I hadn't talked since high school...
Until last year, when I accidentally made this and
realized it could be a fun medium when I lost my
expectations and allowed myself to simply play.

I now love opening myself up to any medium...there is something beautiful and to learn in each one. And I am discovering ones I never knew existed before, while revisiting old ones in new ways. Some of them have even overlapped, or helped lead me to another one. It feels limitless. I can't keep up with the inspiration that creates!

While some of this is repetitive, I feel like with this project, I'm being reminded of important pieces I may have let slip out of my life...and I'm gaining new pieces, making new connections. It is "clicking" in a new way, so to speak. Writing this has helped me realize just how far I've come in letting go of that life long fear of failure, and how I can actually play with it now. I think part of my fears with this project have to do with another aspect of that fear of failure - I've been able to embrace it in private, but to put it out there for other people to see...oh man! What if you can see I failed? What if you think these paintings suck? What if you see I'm not a watercolor artist? What if it even makes you question my artistic abilities overall! Well... I went into it admitting a lot of this, yet I still had these fears. So far no one has been mean (and I thank you for that ;) ). And after a week of it, I think I've slowly been able to allow myself to let go of that outer fear, and focus on my task: to allow myself to freely create. It has been a recentering experience I guess. I'd love for every painting to be amazing, but I'm not concerned about labeling them in that way. I want to just let them be what they are, just as I want to allow myself the same sort of freedom.

Anyway... there's my latest word dump!

If any of this sounds even remotely interesting like something you'd like to try (artist or not): There are cheap watercolor sets available all sorts of places, heck even at the dollar stores... I didn't start with anything fancy...even a kid's one will work! (I'm not suggesting you steal from children) Or heck, some people paint with leftover coffee. There is all sorts of potential to get creative with whatever you have. The point is to just play. ;)