Rambling reflection...

Today marks four years since I create my artist page on facebook. While I have had numerous frustrations with the site, and question if it worth the time and effort to maintain this page, it was a big step for me... I finally took the step towards prioritizing creativity in my life and pursuing it... It is interesting timing to get this reminder, filled with mixed emotions.

I am yet again struggling with how difficult it can be for "artist" be acceptable - in my mind and other people's minds - as something worth pursuing and investing my time/energy/money/life into... Finding time to create does not seem as straight forward and respected as having the standard work day schedule. And there are a million things that are made to feel more important - because art is more in the "fun" or "hobby" category. I keep finding myself in this place, and end up realizing I have to be the one to prioritize this for myself, yet I keep falling down as new tests pop up. Even though it is my life, and my choice, before I even realize it, I've lost my grip on it and handed it over to everything and everyone else. Balance can be such a tricky bugger.

Success from the outside seems to be measured more business-like, and can sometimes creep into my brain. Four years... and I'm still not "successful" in that way... part of me admittedly feels ashamed. I look back on what has been my life these past four years. Some of it was wonderful, other parts were miserable. I get mad at myself when I notice chunks of time that seemed to have been hijacked, where I feel I ended up losing important pieces of myself, and my life, and the things I love doing (like art) have been pushed out completely... until I was able to step back and see what was happening, then had to refigure out how to get myself back onto a healthy path. While some of this has made up some of the most difficult periods of my life so far, I did learn...a lot... and I always had creativity to help me through it, in one way or another.

While it is appealing to avoid the painful parts of life, we can't always do that. Art/music have always been an outlet I've been thankful for. The past few years have lead me to new mediums and pieces I never imagined. There have been songs, words, mixed media, wire, a new type of "painting", etc. Interesting that as much as I felt I've struggled to create, to find the time/space/will/acceptance, I've actually created a decent amount. Hear that self? It may not have made me money, or gotten me what my past ideas of "success" may be or what other people define as success, but I have done what I truly wanted to do... I used my passion, my talents, my heart, and have been meeting the "limitations" I find with creativity that expands me far beyond what I thought was possible... I end up growing not only as an artist, but as a person.

Now this part is important for me to remind myself of... I can't even tell you how often I've felt "stuck" over these years... and defeated... and hopeless. What I end up learning EVERY time that I make it past these feelings, is that there is always a way... you just have to get creative and be a little more open to options that may not fit what you had in mind. I may not have the financial resources, the physical capabilities, the space, etc required to be the type of person/artist I once envisioned, but I guarantee that the fact I am still alive means there are options to be some form of that... it is all about what is at the core - the hows don't really matter, the fluff doesn't matter, the labels don't matter.

Four years is still a lot to process... so I can't say these realizations have wiped out the "mixed emotions"...  Initially it felt like a "four year" box was drawn around my artist page, and I feel stresses of time/measurement...but I think I needed to remember some of this, and how some of these experiences/lessons just can not be measured/defined...I don't know how I could have made it through the struggles without creativity... and for that I am so very thankful.

Round 2, Day 1





I started my new challenge yesterday. Only a few minutes into the first painting, I was already having second thoughts and felt my inspiration deflate. Due to the more "relaxed" rules of this bout, I questioned if it was silly to label and announce it at all. There was a reason I decided to approach this one differently.



Day 26/30

It has only been a month since the end of the original 30 day challenge, and I have done a couple small paintings in between there - but they all took place on the same day. Basically, in one month, I ended up with one day of actually painting. I have done a few other small things in between - doodles and ideas. I've been holding myself back, however, since I have loose ends to finish up from last year's challenge and the original 30 day painting challenge. While I thought it was necessary to refrain from new creative projects until those were officially complete so I could remain focused and productive, the opposite has been happening.

 



The "wrap up" process has felt like slow motion, some of it relies on other people, the weather, technology - all of these outside sources that I can't always control. These pieces are also not "creative"...I crave creativity on a daily basis, and am essential starving myself of having that. Physically/mentally/emotionally, I can already feel the draining effects. I may begin a day full of motivation for progress, but if the outside factors don't "cooperate" with my plan, it is easy to become frustrated and feel stuck, which can domino and before you know it, it feels like a wasted day. 



Day 30/30

During my original 30 day painting project, one of the coolest things was that no matter what the day held, I was going to have a creation out of it - that feels like a day that was worthwhile, productive, important. And what I'm finding just one day into this project, is allowing myself to create again oddly enough helped me be more productive with the other items on my to-do list. Not only did I do my painting yesterday, but I also did a second one! In addition, I restarted my daily morning meditations, had a great workout, retouched a ton of photos, returned all sorts of messages, wrote a blog post, ate super healthy, etc.

I think it is common for us to put what we really want to do on hold due to all sorts of other obligations. But each day we withhold our true desire, we drain ourselves. This can eventually be felt mentally, emotionally, and physically. Our other "obligations" can even end up suffering - we may not be doing as good of a job as we really could, we start letting things slip, we start resenting these things... sometimes we just drop the ball on them completely.

 

Day 1, Round 2 ... 2 out of 30 paintings complete

I am realizing I still struggle to treat creativity as a priority, I am still treating it as a moveable piece that can be pushed around or out by anything and everything that pops up. While I believe it is good to have flexibility, as we never know what may be thrown our way, that isn't what is happening.

 

While I am not terribly pleased with my first two paintings, what I'm rambling about here was important for me to hear and it is obvious I still need reminders that it is ok to do what I love.

 

Now on to day 2...

Round 2 : 30 day challenge

Day 5

It was almost a month ago that I completed a 30 day painting challenge, using watercolor pencils - a medium I had not been familiar with. I am still working on wrapping up the video editing (it feels like that part is in slow motion) and then will be sending the paintings out as promised.

I did not want to start anything until every part of that challenge - and last year's monthly challenge - was wrapped up. However, I really miss creating daily and am feeling the effects... Plus, I just recently got accepted to display as part of Definitely DePere's ArtWalk! Since I will be sending all of the original 30 paintings away, I thought it could be fun to do another 30 day challenge to have some fresh work to show.

Day 24

This time, would still like to end up with 30 paintings in 30 days, but I am going to allow myself to do multiple a day if I feel inspired to do so. Also, the reveal of all final paintings will take place AT the event - not on a daily basis online like last time, though they will probably be posted at some point. I have not decided yet if I'll be doing videos this round. I do hope to post sneak peek images and updates on my facebook artist page. As of right now, I intend to do the same size (approximately 3"x4"), folded to allow them to be used as cards or to display in an easy, stand alone manner.

Since the completion of the original challenge, I have done a few watercolor paintings. One of my favorites was done immediately after another, using the paper I used to catch any run-off paint. It turned into a world of its own! During my first 30 day project, there were times I really enjoyed a certain technique, and would have loved to jump into a second painting right away to see where it would lead. These all took a few hours to complete, and there were days it was difficult to fit that in. I know I have some very long days scheduled over the next few months where it would be physically impossible to fit this kind of project in as a daily assignment. That is why I have decided to try a more flexible variation.

If you want to see the project in full and have first dibs on any of the paintings, the event will be Friday June 10, 5-8pm, in DePere, WI.

And here we go...Round 2.

Day 30 / 30 ... the end.

Day 30 / 30

Well, this is it. The final painting of the 30 day challenge.

There were days when 30 seemed overwhelming. Towards the end, the feeling flip-flopped from still feeling overwhelming, to feeling this panic of 30 not being nearly enough. There were techniques I would have loved to explore deeper, yet I felt this "pressure" to try new things.

I haven't had the chance to fully reflect yet... but it really has been an interesting project for me. It was fun to see what would pop out each day, as I never had a plan/vision. It was really nice to create, every single day. It was even really fun to see my mom get into it and follow along - even though I'm sure she thinks some of these are really weird. I joined a few groups on facebook for watercolor and abstract art, and suddenly my newsfeed got prettier - and while I felt out of place in those groups, people were accepting. This project helped motivate me to do my daily meditation (though I did miss a couple days), and was in a way, a type of meditation in itself - to just let whatever was inside come out in a unique way. As silly as it may sound, it was a great reminder to all sorts of life lessons - amazing how these can be reinforced quite naturally when dealing in a language you understand and enjoy.

I plan to scan all of them in, and possibly rephotograph all of them in natural light since that wasn't always possible. And I am looking forward to seeing them all together. After that, I will begin the next step - getting rid of them all, whether to those who requested them, or random unsuspecting people. ;)

During a Kyle Cease seminar a few years ago, he ended it with assigning us to choose something to do for 21 days in a row - since that is the amount of time it takes to establish a habit. It was a cool idea, and the range of topics was unreal. Nervous about committing to anything as I enjoyed each day being new and open, I think that help me embrace this type of commitment - it made me think about what I want to have in my life on a daily basis that I wasn't making a priority anymore... and it gave back some degree of power/control that I felt I no longer had over my own life - granted I did get horribly ill and missed a couple days due to the fact I couldn't move without getting sick, but I ended up extending that project and it was so helpful (that particular one, I chose to do my physical therapy/workouts daily - as I had done for such a long time, until I just sort of stopped and always struggled to get back into that routine).

During the final days of this recent project, I found myself thinking of how I could use this format to accomplish other ideas I've been sitting on for far too long or how to use it to reprioritize what is important to me. The results I've been having, the thoughts and feelings, the whole process has been really fulfilling. Last year, I created/gave away 12+ pieces of art and learned so much along the way. So far in 2016, I've now added 30 new paintings to my life and learned and relearned even more. I can't even explain how exciting that is, and for so many reasons!

While I would love to jump into another project right away, I have realized there are a lot of loose ends to tie up and I want to complete this project fully - sending out the paintings, editing/posting the rest of the video time lapses, etc. I also have a few loose ends from last year's giveaways to wrap up.

Thank you to those who followed along, commented, and/or wanted these little creations.

I highly suggest considering a 21-30 day project of your own if you share similar feelings like I had, that  the priorities in your life could use some adjusting. :) Otherwise, stay tuned, I'm sure I'll have plenty more of my own to work on in creative ways. ;)

4 AM Rambling

Day 21 / 30

There is no expectation of art to give me a masterpiece, to fix my problems, to make me feel good. When I just do it, just to do it, it is such a unique feeling. The results don't matter, it is the process. By engaging in creating, I allow myself to be me...better yet, I allow myself to just BE. It can provide an outlet for whatever is going on inside. Or it could just simply be the "breather" I so desperately needed but didn't know how to give myself. It can let things calm down, it is a chance to recenter. I can physically translate invisible, intangible, indescribable feelings.

All of this is so much more meaningful than having a "masterpiece" to show off. The benefits of creative outlets are unlimited and can't be put into words, there is no knowing where it could lead. There isn't an end goal as an artist for me - I strive to just keep creating, exploring, experimenting, learning, growing and welcome the never ending path that is filled with unknowns that can lead to more than I ever imagined. There's really only one way to find out what is even possible, and that is to start, to do.

I am in awe of some of the things this medium is showing me. When I let it do its thing, I feel like I am simply collaborating with the medium,  and the things that happen are crazy! While I may be far more excited than I should be, just the way the water moves is fascinating. The way the colors mix. How suddenly a piece can just start glowing. I don't fully understand how some of it happens. But it is pretty flippin' cool.

Now apply all of what I've just written to life... letting life do its thing and collaborating with it rather than forcing it to be what I think it should be. Amazing things can happen, unexpectedly and beyond understanding... - it is important to note this isn't always "good" but regardless, there is always some lesson, some opportunity to grow, something to gain... so even with the bad, all is not lost.

Plus, no matter the results, things are just more fun this way. ;)

Day 19 frustrations and lessons - no where to hide...

Today's painting was frustrating.

By Day 19 I should have an idea of what I'm doing and be able to consistently turn out great work, right? - a good reminder not to let expectations like that run the show. Today's experiment, however, just couldn't seem to find balance...

I woke up extra dizzy (I'm actually dizzy on a daily basis, constantly) and just "out of whack" in a few ways, but just fine in others...things throughout the day have slowly followed suit, however, "losing balance"...to the point where my painting set up flipped over, sending my water flying, along with my painting-which took about 5 minutes to locate and too much time to clean up the mess. I had to jump between video recording devices again for a variety of reasons, both devices fell too many times to count - this should be a fun one to edit. :P And throughout the painting, I just couldn't get the elements to balance for some reason - no matter how hard I tried. The paper started losing its strength and was getting ridiculously bent up. I had to stop simply because I was sure I'd end up with a piece of garbage pretty soon! Seriously, this was not a pretty process today. A reminder to learn how to just let go instead of forcing, perhaps?

While I'm not thrilled with it, it actually is a pretty fitting depiction of how I feel today, inside and out...unbalanced and messy.  I don't want to share it, and I don't want to feel this way either. But, here it is.

I have loved the fact that art has been a wonderful outlet to take the painful, unpleasant stuff of life, and turn it into beauty...but the result isn't always beautiful. Art is not straight forward, there is not a right or wrong answer, and often times you have more failures than successes... those are the parts people don't see - the loads of art that were started and never finished, the massive amounts that were thrown away or painted over. So what you usually end up seeing is the very small percentage of art that the artist actually felt worked... the stuff that did turn out beautiful, and inspiring, that people want to buy or wish they were capable of creating. (I'm typing as I'm thinking through this by the way) I love having art in my life, but it isn't always easy, or fun, or pretty. As mentioned, a lot of times it stems from the unpleasant.

My rule for myself in this project was to do ONE painting a day, and no matter how it turned out, I had to throw it out into the world. Of course I secretly hoped every single one would be amazing, but realistically, I knew there was a good chance that wouldn't be the case... in fact, considering how new this medium is to me and how uncomfortable I am, there was an even bigger chance of most paintings being "failures"... and for some reason I still thought this project was a good idea. ;)

In a sense, this set up forces me to show my flaws and failures. I really didn't think this through. ;) But I guess it is more honest.

Anyway...despite the failures and the ugly parts, there is always something to learn.

Half way

Fifteen days doesn't sound like very much. But I can almost guarantee that without this challenge, I would not have created any artwork during this time- that would have been over 2 weeks, half of a month, of not doing something I love, that I'm pursuing. Now, I have fifteen days where I have something to show for my existence. There were entire years that flew by without me feeling I had that much to show!

This bumpy road I'm on has felt like it was going to bring me right into the ditch a handful of times. I'm slowly starting to remember some important lessons about taking care of myself - as a whole, and to valuing my passions. I've been reminded about who I am as a person, and the strength I possess within myself. While I sometimes feel like I lack far more than I have to offer, there's still something there. Without taking good care of my mind, body and soul it is easy to feel completely depleted after so many bumps. I have a tendency to continue attempting to "give" to others even when feeling this way, neglecting myself, which only drags me into a deeper state of unhealthy. Giving myself this task of painting on a daily basis has been a constant, "simple" way to remind myself to do something for me...and this also gives back some degree of control in my life...it was my choice to do it, and it is my choice to continue. It awakens that awareness that we often times do get a choice in so much more than we may realize. Just feeling like you have even the smallest chance to choose how you spend just a tiny sliver of your day can be a really big deal!

There have been some difficult days the past few weeks. Having a chance to do what I love (even if it isn't in the way I ideally want to do it), has been such a positive thing. If a small painting is the best thing that happened that day, I'll take it - I created! Not to mention, the therapeutic effects of art are so valuable. This gives me an outlet for whatever is going on inside to do what it needs to do - whether I just need to "zone out" or I need to process something or I just need a physical way to release something.



Day 15

Some of the recent paintings, I brought in techniques I haven't used since college - sandpaper and exacto-knives. I used to use these tools on my charcoal drawings to create interesting texture. There was something therapeutic about the physical effort involved. Using these techniques in watercolor has been therapeutic in the same way. It has been interesting to see how the added texture reacts to this new, colorful medium.

I've been asked if I'm "happy" with the paintings... it isn't really about being happy, or about selling them, or anything like that... I knew I needed a kick in the pants to remember it is ok to put creating on my priorities list, and to take care of myself. So the fact that I am actually doing the task, that I am happy with. The paintings, well, I'm just trying to let them be whatever they happen to be...to not judge them- it would be easy to jump to negative judgments as I'm still quite uncomfortable with this medium and don't know what I'm doing! I want to make sure I remain open to this medium, rather than get in my head about how it should be done, how it should look, if the painting for the day is good enough to post - the task is one painting a day...not paint until I get one that I think is awesome (I'll never sleep!). I have had some I absolutely hated, which were painful to post, but that's a part of the deal. ;) And who knows, maybe someone will like it. That's the beauty about art.

I was hoping I'd have some really interesting things to say, but this is all I've got right now...